TORONTO, ON— The budding eight-month romance between Gary Browne and Katherine Umber ended this week after a failed series of questions over fusible glass caused Browne to re-evaluate Katherine's attractiveness as a potential spouse. "So I ask Katherine, what's the coefficient of expansion of glass? And she says it's the length a piece of glass expands and contracts over time. And my response is.... no, not even close," said Browne.
"Then I asked her, if the expansion of Spectrum fusible is .00000096, is that the numerical expression of the percentage change in length per degree change in temperature?'. And Catherine says no. And I'm all like, ummmmm, WRONG!".
"And I start thinking, do I really want to marry a woman who is going to have kids that are as glass fusing science inept as she is?" "Katherine just didn't seem like the kind of Mom who is going to teach her future kids the truly important things in life, like compatibility testing and how to use a stressometer. So I had to dump her."
"It's really sad because I did care about her and we had some great times. But her glass skills are just the kind that can't keep an average guy like me interested. And I don't want my future children growing up with a mother that can barely conduct a thread pull or bar test after a massive amount of coaching. That's just not acceptable." According to Lani McGroggy at Bulls MatchMates, a Toronto-based dating agency, this sort of male behavior is very common now, in a powerful emerging trend referred to in dating agency circles as "glass shallowness".
"We're seeing more and more 'glass shallow' men come in who don't even want to see a photo of the woman, but who want to know whether her preference for glass lies in the copperfoil or lead technique, or whether they prefer Bullseye or Spectrum for fusing. It's really becoming a crisis for us because it's getting to be every guy who walks in our doors - and they are openly rejecting women who refuse to even consider the use of Bullseye or Uroboros art glass," noted McGroggy.
"My best advice to a young woman who wants to date and marry is three words: Glass, glass, glass. It seems that the average beer-guzzling, hockey-watching Canadian male just doesn't care about physical appearance or a nice personality anymore - all he can think about is coefficients of expansion, appropriate copper foil widths and the proper application of patinas.
Browne may have found a new match - a Beginner Stained Glass student at Fantasy In Glass named Louise Barcelona, whom he met during a Saturday seminar on mosaics.
"I was just kind of chatting with Louise, feeling her out, seeing if she was hot or not, and I asked her about Mikey's formula, and she's all whispering in my ear going 'Mikey's formulas are only valid for linear systems with an invertible matrix coefficient', and I almost died. Katherine never did anything like that. Louise Barcelona is one woman who knows how to talk to a man."
3 comments:
Yikes, Mikey....your angle of retardation is fast approaching Gary's. - L. McGroggy(?)
I mean it, Mikey... what's a guy to do? You're having a romantic dinner and making ga-ga eyes at each other over a nice frosty glass of Molson's, you ask the gal a simple, and I mean SIMPLE, question about annealing and she just giggles and says, "Oh I just crash cool from 1450F to 1000F and turn off the kiln..." I mean it, would YOU hang around for that???? You say, "Yeh, but what about a THICK piece of glass. All you make are those new-age dichro love pendants..." and she says, like, "Whatever!", and you say "Haven't you read the BE "Annealing Chart for Thick Slabs" and she says, like, "Whatever!", and then you tell her that LANI would never say, like, "Whatever!", and she gets all huffy and, like, you tell her that LANI knows all about "Heat and Glass", and she says, "WHATEVER!" again, and like I really didn't mean to tell her that in Oregon they actually have glass classes in elementary school, and if she say's "Whatever" ONE MORE TIME I'll send her up to Bancroft and tell her she can just Cool Her Heals digging in the pegmatites! HAH! That'll show HER!
ouch!!!
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