Stephane Dion Announces His Future Plans!

OTTAWA — Stéphane Dion will no longer need to spend another day avoiding answering questions about his future after his party's election defeat Tuesday night having lost 19 seats and handing the Conservatives a stronger, albeit still, a minority government. Having hunkered down long enough at his official Ottawa residence at Stornoway, Mr. Dion has made his decision on his future today- and that future apparently is with Fantasy In Glass Glassworks.

A newspaper report last Thursday morning speculating that he was poised to announce later in the day that he would step aside was true. It can now be confirmed that Mr. Dion will be stepping down to replace Belinda Stronach as the night manager at Fantasy In Glass, a world famous stained glass emporium found in Toronto.

This would have been the sixth straight day that Mr. Dion was avoiding appearing in public. But now, knowing that there is a position for him in the Spectrum and Kokomo aisles, next to the English Muffle cathedrals and slumping molds at FIG, he has finally found purpose in his life after his devastating election loss. News has surfaced that he now has been so invigorated that he has even formulated a radical plan that he intends to present to Mikey, owner of FIG, later today.

While Liberal MPs and party stalwarts were all saying that he must go, they were all caught surprised by his definitive action, and the possibility of him actually having some sort of plan.

Rather than hanging on to the drapes at Stornoway, Dion is ready to look ahead to the next stage of his life. He incorrectly assumed he had only two career choices - to remain in Parliament or return to academic life in Montreal, until a third more fulfilling option was presented to him by Mikey and the staff at Fantasy in Glass last week. As an opposition MP, he would be a frontbencher, accorded a place of honour in the Liberal lineup. As a professor, he has tenure at Université de Montréal. But as night manager of Fantasy In Glass, Mr. Dion would finally have an opportunity to put his failed ‘Green Shift’ platform into effect.

When Liberal Leader Stephane Dion announced his Green Shift scheme three months ago, he assured Canadians that "every single penny" extracted from consumers from this ‘Green Tax’ would be returned in the form of income-tax cuts or subsidies for "going green". Now, as night manager of Fantasy In Glass, Mr. Dion finally has the opportunity to put his ‘Green Shift’ plan into place. He has proposed that Fantasy In Glass carry nothing but green glass- no more Youghiogneny Purples, or Uroboros Pink Mottles, no Bullseye Fuschias or Oceana Silver Dichroics, just greens- thereby finally realizing his dream of a Canada that has embraced his ‘Green Shift’ dream. While he may have been denied his dream by the Canadian electorate, he’s hopeful that the glass community found at Fantasy In Glass will believe that this is a course of action necessary for all Canadians.

Indeed, voters who go to the Fantasy In Glass' Web site and use the calculator there to determine Green Shift's cost to them will be hard-pressed to enter any combination of glass for any project, be it a Tiffany style lamp, Group of Seven painting, or nite lite teddy bear (Gary Brown’s favourite), and be able to find anything but green glass.

Calls to all the major glass manufacturers to find out if they have plans to alter their production to accommodate Mr. Dion’s plan went mostly unheeded. Evidence that Spuctrem Glass has already decided to copy any greens currently available by all the other manufacturers went unproven (letters to fig@fantasyinglass.com)…