TORONTO, ON— The budding three day romance between Gary Browne and Theresa Teacher ended this week after a failed series of questions over fusible glass caused Browne to re-evaluate Theresa's attractiveness as a potential spouse.
"So I ask Theresa, what's the coefficient of expansion of glass? And she says it's the length a piece of glass expands and contracts over time.
And my response is.... no, not even close," said Browne.
"Then I asked her, if the expansion of Spectrum fusible is .00000096, is that the numerical expression of the percentage change in length per degree change in temperature?'.
And Theresa says no. And I'm all like, ummmm, WRONG!".
"And I start thinking, do I really want to marry a woman who is going to have kids that are as glass fusing science inept as she is?"
"Theresa just didn't seem like the kind of Mom who is going to teach her future kids the truly important things in life, like compatibility testing and how to use a stressometer. So I had to dump her."
"It's really sad because I did care about her and we had some great times. But her glass skills are just the kind that can't keep an average guy like me interested. And I don't want my future children growing up with a mother that can barely conduct a thread pull or bar test after a massive amount of coaching. That's just not acceptable."
According to Lani McGroggy at Bulls MatchMates, a Toronto-based dating agency, this sort of male behavior is very common now, in a powerful emerging trend referred to in dating agency circles as "glass shallowness".
"We're seeing more and more 'glass shallow' men come in who don't even want to see a photo of the woman, but who want to know whether her preference for glass lies in the copperfoil or lead technique, or whether they prefer Bullseye, Uroboros or Spectrum for fusing. It's really becoming a crisis for us because it's getting to be every guy who walks in our doors - and they are openly rejecting women who refuse to even consider the use of Bullseye or Uroboros art glass," noted McGroggy.
"My best advice to a young woman who wants to date and possibly marry is three words: Glass, glass, glass. It seems that the average beer-guzzling, hockey-watching Canadian male just doesn't care about physical appearance or a nice personality anymore - all he can think about is coefficients of expansion, appropriate copper foil widths and the proper application of patinas.
Browne may have found a new match - a Beginner Stained Glass student at Fantasy In Glass named Louie Barcelona, whom he met during a Saturday seminar on mosaics.
"I was just kind of chatting with Louie, feeling her out, seeing if she was hot or not, and I asked her about Mikey's formula, and she's all whispering in my ear going 'Mikey's formulas are only valid for linear systems with an invertible matrix coefficient', and I almost died. Theresa never did anything like that. Louie Barcelona is one woman who knows how to talk to a man."